Week 24 - Nan Games

I had never been to a Will reading before and was slightly disappointed that my first one would be on a day when my head was spinning around more than it had ever done before. The card from Becky, seeing Pete, meeting Aunt Gladys and saying farewell to one of the most important people in my life had all been too much. It was difficult to know where I wanted to be most at the moment, it certainly wasn’t in that old dusty long solicitor’s office. I would give anything to just be lying next to Becky again with her feet stroking my legs and the feel of her eyelashes touching my cheek. Or to just be having a pre-match drink with Pete as we had so many times before he wrecked our friendship. Perhaps I just wanted again to sit in a smelly Old Peoples’ Home chatting to my slightly mad old Nan with the Antiques Roadshow in the background. My world had somehow collapsed in the last four months and I was losing key characters in my life at an alarming rate. My head was now full of questions; Who would be next? How long will I have my parents for? Will I end up old and alone with no friends and no-one special in my life?

My whole life had become a soap opera which even included weekly updates on the front page of a Sunday newspaper. How could Pete, somebody I trusted totally, have torn my life to pieces like this? Strangely all my anger was now aimed at Pete and even though it takes two to tango I saw Becky as the innocent party. I had seen Pete's handy work with girls so many times before that; could I really expect Becky to resist if Pete went into Pete mode? My head was now spinning so much it felt like it was about to shoot off my neck completely. I have always been the mild one of the Sadler family, which is saying a lot when you consider how laid back my Dad is, but now I just wanted to hit somebody hard repeatedly. How dare Pete turn up to my Nan’s funeral!

The spectacled gentleman read my Nan’s Last Will and Testament, but I just wasn’t taking it in. Instead I was staring at a painting hanging on the wall. The painting was quite disturbing as it was a lion in the middle of devouring an antelope. As I studied the picture I saw different couples of people in it playing the role of the animals. At first Pete was the lion and I was the antelope. Then it was Becky’s turn as the antelope being ripped to pieces by Pete. It was as I was seeing Nan as the lion and Mr Singh as the antelope that I suddenly became aware that the sum of Nan’s estate was a considerable amount. The total that I think the seriously looking spectacle wearing man had mentioned was over two hundred and fifty thousand pounds. This stunned the whole room. I mean that was the price that the Villa paid for the great Paul McGrath.

For the first time I became aware of who was actually in the room. There were my parents, Karen, Uncle Martin, Uncle Henry, cousin Michael, another nine cousins including Billy the extremely camp one who was wearing a purple cravat, Mr Singh, two elderly gentlemen both with white beards and strangely, Aunt Gladys. I was actually the youngest there but probably the only one who really got Nan. She tried to treat all her grandchildren the same but I suspected many of them probably wouldn’t even have known the way to her Old Peoples’ Home. As each of the cousins got mentioned in the Will it appalled me to see them smile and even offer celebratory gestures as they found out their credit card bills were going to be a thing of their past. Each of them would be going home with at least ten thousand pounds. All I wanted was my Nan to walk back in the room. She always laughed so much at ‘Game for a Laugh’ and I couldn’t help thinking how brilliant it would be if twin Aunt Gladys suddenly jumped up, declared she was really Nan and that this had all been a joke. Unfortunately that wasn’t going to happen and Nan would not be making an unexpected appearance. I was slightly disappointed with the serious way that this Will was being presented. I had half expected Nan might have made one of those American Soap style videos. It would have been good if she could have got somebody famous to read the Will. I imagined it being read by Lenny Henry dressed as an old lady!

Karen caused a few looks of disgust from the other cousins, including a flick of the head from cousin Billy, when it was revealed that she would be getting a cottage in Leominster that none of us even knew Nan had. Well, apart from Mr Singh, who shockingly disclosed that he and Nan had often escaped to the cottage for nights of wild passion. Then both the old bearded men shouted out in unison “And me”. The two gentlemen were apparently called Bruce and Arnie and they were the next to be mentioned. They were to have Nan’s antique Chess table with Star Wars character chess pieces. The proviso was that they would have to play one game of chess to decide who gets to keep it. Mr. Singh was then given my Nan’s orthopaedic bed and her box set of ‘Carry On’ films videos.

The next part of the Will was certainly a surprise. It was aimed at Gladys who out of loyalty to my Nan I had been ignoring since she appeared at the church doors. The solicitor said he had a box for Gladys but there was a note he had to read first.

“Dear Gladys, hopefully I will out-live you, but if not I would like to apologise for stealing, your then finance, Albert from you at our 18^th birthday party. I know that you never got over losing him to me so I would like to give him back to you.” The solicitor then handed a small wooden box to Aunt Gladys. It did surprise me how small the box was as I remembered Granddad as, like me, quite a tall chap.

My parents were next to find out what they would be getting and I was assuming that it was going to be a large amount of cash. Instead it was a few items of jewellery, the family Bible and two hundred BT shares. Uncle Henry also got two hundred BT shares, a collection of gentlemen’s hats and a teas-maid. So where was all the rest of the cash going? With Nan it could be to any strange charity.

As I pictured my Aunt Gladys and Nan fighting in the painting I suddenly realised that everyone had been mentioned in the Will but me. Had my Nan forgotten me or just left me until last for a reason. It was then I was given a very unexpected surprise. Nan had left me a staggering one hundred thousand pounds. Cousin Billy got up and ran out in tears and many of the other cousins fixed me with the kind of stares you associated with alien creatures in Doctor Who. Surely this couldn’t be right? Where had all this money come from and why was it heading my way? For some reason Dad felt the need to slap me on the back. It didn’t feel right. Nothing felt right. I just wanted my normal life back and more importantly I wanted my Nan back. She was worth more to me than one hundred thousand pounds. But one hundred thousand pounds would at least mean I could tell them to stuff the job at Walsall Council. Also I would enjoy taking the cheque into the snotty cashier at my bank who had rudely declined mine and Becky’s request for a fifty pound temporary overdraft on our joint account before the wedding.

We were starting to leave when a young teenage lad in a badly fitting suit walked in and hurriedly passed a brown envelope to the solicitor who was just closing his smart black brief case. The solicitor then shook his head as he read the letter he had been handed before telling us to sit back down. He was very apologetic as he explained that Nan had made a change to her Will ten days ago that he hadn’t been aware of it until now. It was only a small change he said but was extremely important.

The amendment was for me. My Nan really had had the last laugh. There was an extra condition to my inheritance of one hundred thousand pounds. Only a small point, but it read “the money is to be kept in trust and not given to Jonathan until the day that he marries Becky Holloway”.