Week 4 - Here Comes the Bride?

All too soon we arrived at St. Chad’s in Lichfield. There already was the vicar in his white gown and he was very pleased to see us. I start to think about his wedding history and how many wedding he has taken where the groom has been jilted. What was his success rate? Can you count it as a wedding if the bride doesn’t show, at what point does it become a wedding? With the arms of his gown flapping the vicar directed us to a parking spot and then followed us looking as if he was meeting a long lost relative. I suppose a wedding is a good little earner for him. However, it was actually the car that he was more excited about. Apparently he used to have a spitfire before he became a man of the cloth. Pete offered to take him for a spin and the vicar, who was name Brian, jumped at the chance. Soon I was standing alone as Pete and the vicar went off on a little tour. Maybe this was a sign of things to come. Was there any need for that wheel spin and hand-brake turn?

For the first time today I was feeling scared at what was going to happen. Even if Becky turned up my life was about to change completely. I was committing myself to one person for the rest of my life. The sun was quite bright now and it really was ‘a nice day for a white wedding’.

Another car pulled up in the car park and it was someone I really didn’t want to see. It was the dreaded wedding photographer and he was carrying three cameras with extra long lenses. He introduced himself and told me that I must be the groom. Perhaps I should have denied it. Will I ever be a groom again? The photographer started to take pictures of me and I was grateful when the red sports car came hurtling back into the car park with the Vicar still safely in one piece, but with his Bobby Charlton style haircut now looking very wild. He had enjoyed his little adventure and although he tripped up over his robe trying to get out of the car he was beaming from one ear to the other. The photographer was annoyed he had missed that shot and could not persuade the Vicar to repeat the gymnastics display. Pete was now posing for the camera and we had to pose shaking hands. In eighteen years of friendship I can’t recall us ever to have shaken hands. The only times we have held hands were probably the times that Pete had murdered me at arm wrestling. Pete has very big hands and even on this posed shake I felt quite intimidated by them.

The next car to arrive was my Dad’s familiar car which must have been nearly ten minutes after we arrived it was now 10:32 and I knew that soon the moment I had been putting off and hoping was not going to happen would soon be here. My parents looked very smart in their wedding outfits and my Nan was looking like the kind of sophisticated jam making Nan that she certainly wasn’t. She then asked the Vicar, loudly, if he was into older women. The poor man’s face went the same colour as Pete’s car. Was this a sign that he had got a thing for the more mature lady, or was he just embarrassed by the antics of this mad old dear?

Time now for more damn photographs. With Dad, with Dad and Mum and with Nan. I am sure my Nan pouted her lips on the one picture.

Slowly guests were arriving and I began to feel worse and worse. My stomach felt like it was a tumble dryer drying a pair of large trainers. This was going to be very unpleasant, but maybe just maybe Becky might turn up and save the day. Guests from Becky’s side were also starting to arrive including an Uncle Alistair, who marched right up to me and introduced himself. He looked like a sergeant major type and was a dead ringer for Windsor Davis. He grabbed my hand so firmly to shake it that it took me a few seconds afterwards to get any feeling back. His wife Maggie, who was Becky’s mum’s sister was a very small and a delicate looking woman. I couldn’t help but think how they managed sexually without Alistair snapping the poor lady in two. I hope she goes on top. The two of them seemed to have no idea at all that there might not be a wedding today.

The weather was really pleasant and although the sun was out it wasn’t too hot. Probably best as my head does have a habit of sweating which is not really something that enhances my appearance. Why do all the guests look so old? We seem to have a church carpark full of over sixties. Perhaps it was time for me and my Best Man to enter the Sanctuary. I pulled Pete away from polishing his car and guided him into the Church. Pete seemed uneasy which was probably because he hadn’t been in a church for well over ten years. In fact I don’t think I have heard him mention going in to church since he lost his virginity to Vicky Southall when he was sixteen. Apparently it was on the back pew of St. Mary’s during a thunder storm. When he tells the story he makes it seem quite wild, but the truth is he had been with Vicky for five months and it was Vicky who was desperate to consummate the relationship. They had tried to be alone at each of their homes and in the school Store Room before finally ending up in a deserted church. Well, they thought it was deserted and were generally surprised when they were disturbed by the flower-arrangers. The fact that one of the old dears lived in the same street as Vicky did not help. As Pete tells it though, he had started so he would finish. Losing his virginity was quickly followed by being chased out of a church by a mad lady with a blue rinse whacking him with a broom. It wasn’t until he was a quarter of mile down the road before he could pull up his trousers. Vicky had to hide in the church for the over an hour before it was safe to leave. Maybe this explains why Pete has a slight church phobia.

We sat on the front pew on the right-hand side sucking polos and clutching our professionally designed Order of Services. Everything seemed so unreal. It reminded me of watching Lofty get jilted by Michelle in ‘Eastenders’ ten years a go. Pete wasn’t talkative and looked miles away. My parents were now sat behind me with my Nan to their right. The church was filling up and it seemed like a normal wedding. Then I heard a loud slightly common voice which was obviously Becky’s mother. Although Becky’s sister, Jenny, was slightly posh her mum was just like Marleen off ‘Only Fools and Horses’. She looked the same as the character and definitely had the same voice. I had decided it was best not to ever mention this similarity to Becky though because she can be quite defensive about her family. Becky’s mum, Sarah, was nice though and told me she was looking forward to having me as a Son-in-Law. Her husband Tom was not quite so easy to get to know. He was pleasant enough, but not known for being talkative. I had tried a few conversations without success. Tom was quite anti-sport and was happiest watching a wildlife documentary. He was an Accountant and had done pretty well for himself and had insisted on paying for the whole wedding. In a way I resented this because I felt we were having the wedding that Becky’s parents wanted. It all seemed very old fashioned. The Bride’s father came over to me and shook my hand and said ‘good luck’. That was it, not even a ‘good luck Jonathan’. Becky’s parents were now going to wait outside for Becky and her bridesmaids to hopefully arrive. It was now nearly five to eleven.

Nan was now asking where Jessie was going to sit. My Dad I think was a bit tense and not his usual refined self because he told her quite abruptly, ‘She’s dead!’. Nan just said ‘more men for me then’. I now became aware of the organ playing and the head of the organist bobbing up and down to my left. From the back he resembles the Vicar slightly perhaps they are brothers. Although the church was now more than half full I was feeling very alone and started to regret not being more honest earlier with my parents. How long would I have to wait if Becky didn’t show? What was the normal time a groom should wait for? Pete was still looking even more nervous than me, did he know something? Maybe he could tell that I was not my normal self. After a few seconds Pete gave a nervous cough and then said, ‘I can’t hold it in no more. I am going to have to go for a jimmy’. Then he was off in search of the gents. It was just me alone on that front pew just praying that Becky would turn up. At least I was in the right place for a prayer. My watch now said eleven o’clock exactly and a silence was coming over the church now that the organ had stopped playing. Now I felt very tense not only was I short of a bride but now a best man as well. It was all so quiet and it reminded me of when they have a minutes silence before a big football match because somebody has died. Any second now the whistle would blow and the place would be filled with noise. I glanced out of the stain-glass window and could see the wedding car and a glimpse of one of the twin bridesmaids. Yes, it was on. I was about to be married to one of the most beautiful girls in the world. I suddenly felt warm inside, the kind of warm feeling that they say Ready Break gives you. Then Pete returned and sat down beside me saying the words, ‘oh, that’s better’, I replied with a smile ‘yes it is’. My Princess was here.

The organ started to play the famous wedding march so we all stand up. Pete, sings the obvious, ‘All fat and wide…’ line. Yes, results in a whack in the back from my Nan’s stick. Amazingly he hardly flinched, but I think deep down he was in pain. Should I look down the aisle and see my bride or wait until she is by my side.

Then something strange happens. The organist stops playing the wedding march and starts looking through his collection of music manuscripts. Pete looked round and I stayed focused on the front. Then I heard the voice of Becky’s mother shouting, ‘Vicar, can I have a word in private’. The silence had now been replaced by whispering and the organist was playing some very sombre music. My Dad then placed his hand firmly on my shoulder and I everything suddenly felt so wrong. Pete said he would go and see what the holdup was, but it seemed obvious to me that we were lacking an important character in the marriage ceremony.

We all slowly sat down and waited for the official announcement. Nothing really made sense because I could see the bridemaids carrying their bouquets. Actually the two twins seem to be having a mini fight and striking each other with their poseys. Becky’s Dad is now holding them apart. Surely Jenny had known what Becky was planning, but then why was she all dressed up? Dad, decided to state the bleeding obvious, ‘We’re running a bit late’. Nan, said ‘Are you sure it was today?’.

The Vicar arrived by my side and asked if I would like to go into the Vestry. I decided to politely decline this request as I wanted to be with my family when I heard the news. Pete and Jenny then joined us. The Vicar started to try and say what had happened, but Pete dived in, ‘She’s done a runner, mate’. Jenny then explained that she hadn’t seen her since yesterday evening when Becky said she wanted some time on her own. Becky’s mum was furious with Jenny and couldn’t believe that she hadn’t told them that her sister had gone awol. Jenny told us that Becky said she would meet her at the church. When she had arrived at the church Becky best friend Carol had told Jenny that Becky had decided to call off the wedding. So that was it this wasn’t to be my wedding day.



Next Week : The Reception and the Honeymoon minus the Bride